"Please Forgive Me, Mama"

Oh God. That was definitely one of the worst moments in my life. I may as well have taken a knife and stuck it into Mama's heart. The look on her face when she realized I have an appointment at the clinic was just unbearable. I hate what I'm doing to Mama-I truly hate it. If there was another way to deal with this, I would. But I know there isn't. I just wish I didn't have to break my Mama's heart in the process. I pray that someday she will understand why I have to do this-and that one day she can forgive me.

Thursday, December 27, 2001

"Old Beginnings"

Well, it might be a new day...but nothing has changed. My life is the same disaster as it was yesterday. I'm still pregnant with Julian's baby. And I'll still lose him forever if he finds out the truth. This morning, for a split second when I woke up (from about an hour's worth of sleep), I thought this was all a terrible nightmare. But then the awful truth sunk in once again-that this is all to real. I wish I could get under the covers in my bed right now and just disappear. But I can't. That's why I only have one choice. It's time to go to my appointment and put this whole "nightmare" behind me.

Wednesday, December 26, 2001

"The Clock is Ticking"

This is getting a little too close for comfort. Now that Ivy knows, it's only a matter of time before she exposes my secret. Mama stopped her in her tracks today, but next time around I may not be so lucky. I know Ivy won't give up before she rips Ethan and me apart-and now she has the ammunition to do it. That's why there's only one thing I can do. It's not what I want to do-that's for sure-but it's the only way. It's the only way for Ethan and me to be together.