"Keeping it Together"

I just can't listen to what Whitney is saying right now. I can't think of what's inside of me as a baby. My God, that changes everything...I just can't think of it that way. If I did, I would lose it. I swear I would. And I can't fall apart right now. I have to stay focused. I have to make this phone call.

Thursday, December 13, 2001

"Theresa's Choice"

Running into Lynn was a sign. No let me rephrase...it was fate. Why else would I have bumped into her today, of all days, unless fate was trying to tell me something? The fact is; Lynn lost Gavin. And the reason she lost him was because she's pregnant...just like I will lose Ethan because of my pregnancy. I'm sorry...so sorry...but I just can't lose Ethan. There's only one thing I can do...

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

"Topsy Turvy"

Did you ever feel like your whole world was turned upside down-like everything you know that's right is wrong, and everything you know that's wrong is right? That probably doesn't even make sense-not that it matters. I'm not looking for a response-this is my diary, after all. Anyway, there are not really any words right now to describe what I'm feeling. It's like my head is spinning in a million different directions at once...like it couldn't possibly slow down, even if I wanted it to. I guess that's what happens when you're facing the toughest decision of your life. But as I told Whitney, it's not like I have too many options to choose from. In fact, right now, there's only one that I think would help my situation...

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

"Time Changes Everything"

It's hard to believe that one of the last times I was here, at the ice skating pond, I was wearing Ethan's engagement ring-but it was meant for Gwen! I remember it so clearly-I had gone with Ethan to help him pick out Gwen's engagement ring and the ring got stuck on my finger! I was so sure it was a sign that Ethan and I were meant to be together. I just knew it was fate! I guess I was right, because now Ethan and I are together. Of course, it's a little more complicated than that...If anyone had told me then, that I'd be engaged to Ethan and pregnant with Julian's baby, I never would have believed them. But fast forward to today, and here I am...engaged to Ethan and pregnant with Julian's baby.

Monday, December 10, 2001

"My Hero"

Thank God Mama didn't tell Ethan the truth. I guess when she saw Ethan propose to me, she realized how deep our love is...and that she shouldn't take that away from us. Speaking of the proposal, sometimes I'm not sure how I got so lucky to have Ethan in my life. Somehow the most wonderful, perfect, romantic man in the entire world chose me-and I will never stop thanking God for that. Despite all the turmoil we've gone through this year, he has still stood by my side. And then tonight, he actually got down on bended knee and proposed to me, as if nothing in the past ever happened, as if nothing in the world matters but our love for each other. I want so much to deserve the love Ethan has given me. And that's why I can't disappoint him by telling him the truth about my pregnancy...I just can't.